“Open” Relationships: What we Picture vs what we Get

So my not-quite-girlfriend Madison and I are in what the kids these days are calling an “open relationship,” that is to say we’re not mutually exclusive to one another, but we’ve agreed we’re not going to be getting wild and crazy with anyone else either. That is to say we’re free to see other people but we’really not going to bone anyone else either. And yes, I know that goes against what everyone pictures when they hear the term “open relationship.”

If there’s one thing the prudes and the pervs came agree on, it’s what they picture when you tell them you’re in an open relationship. The pervs seem to think it means that you and your partner are having the dirty/raunchy kind of sex that would make porn producers blush with everyone/everything available and that you’re putting Ron Jeremy to shame.

Which shouldn’t be too hard considering he was in The Surreal Life with Vanilla Ice.

And the prudes? Well, the prudes picture pretty much the same thing, only I’m sure they also picture orgies with women who look like “Sexy” Jasmine from Aladdin.

Or maybe that’s just me (yes, the prudes and myself have our issues).


The truth of the matter, unfortunately (or fortunately, if you’re looking to avoid STDs), is that open relationships are far less exciting in reality. If anything it’s more like an awkward dinner party where everyone’s civil and polite and maybe just a tad bit condescending to one another.

So it's just like Thanksgiving, only you don't have grandpa unbuttoning his pants after dinner (that only happens at the Disney orgy)
So it’s just like Thanksgiving, only you don’t have grandpa unbuttoning his pants after dinner (that only happens at the aforementioned Disney orgy since grandpa’s a pimpin’ player)

The other harsh truth about open relationships is that they are rarely, if ever, something that both parties want. Usually they happen because one person is feeling indecisive and they want to try to have their cake and eat it too because one potential partner might have things the other does, and vice-versa, so they can date TWO (or more) people that will, together, comprise the perfect person.

So yeah, that’s pretty much what you get with open relationships, sorry they aren’t all exciting sex orgies (and if you’re in an open relationship that IS that way, I say good luck with those STDs and unwanted pregnancies if you smell what I’m cooking).


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